I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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