sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
