Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
