I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
