Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
