It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
