Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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