that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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