I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
