I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
