i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
