i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
