What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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