My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
