A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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