John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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