I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
a search helicopter?!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
