So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
