seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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