I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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