My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
