Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
