I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
