She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
