i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
