he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
