life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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