Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
