Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
