I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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