the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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