I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
