All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
