I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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