I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
