I wish you could order shots online.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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