i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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