I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
