my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
