No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
