Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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