I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
