whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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