just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
