Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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