take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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