Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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