i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
