im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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