I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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