He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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